Is it a good idea? Is it a buzzkill?
Clearing up the misconceptions
Life gets in the way of so many things that are good for us right?. It gets in the way of exercising, it gets in the way of sleeping and it gets in the way of sex. Believe it or not, for a lot of relationships it takes a back seat on a long list of to-do things, that is why some couples (a lot actually) have opted for scheduled sex.
Scheduling sex… this doesn’t sound very romantic, it sounds like activity on the whiteboard of some very sad couple that has lost all the excitement and is just going through the motions. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
If you think about it, you make time or schedule time to go to the supermarket, to go to the doctor, to clean the house. If you’re leaving a fast and furious life, sex gets pushed to the back, so it sounds like a good idea to schedule it so you can have some sexy time with your husband (not just once every other weekend).
The reason many people think scheduling sex is such a buzzkill is that there are many misconceptions about the frequency couples have sex in a marriage. In our culture, there’s a belief that sex is supposed to be spontaneous, but if you have been married you know that in reality, it almost never is.
That’s a reality even for newlyweds (they should be having sex at all times right?). Well, in a survey conducted by a wedding registry company (Zola) 36% of newlywed couples expressed that they schedule sex. And if you’re a couple with kids, that number can go up. Scheduling sex becomes a must so you can have some nookie time with the hubby.
If you think about it, it’s not that different from normal sex.
If you and your husband have jobs with different schedules, you schedule sex. If your relationship is long distance, you schedule sex, when you plan a date, you schedule sex; if you have kids, you’d definitely schedule sex. You don’t actually have to put it on a calendar, you just wait until time and circumstances permit, you may talk about it or text it. Something like “can’t wait until tonight”. So you see, you’re kind of scheduling sex already.
Not having sex all the time is normal
When you’re in an adult relationship or when you’re married, sooner or later your life as a couple is going to hit a stable equilibrium and that’s inevitable. You have work, you socialize, you have kids, family time, exercising, volunteer work, etc. Like we said before, we have this notion that if you’re in a stable loving relationship sex is going to happen all the time and it would be all that’s on your mind. But you see, it’s totally normal to live your life as a couple without having to have sex all nights. Some couples may, but it’s not the rule.
Scheduled sex doesn’t have to be boring
Once you get rid of that preconception, you’ll see that scheduling sex with your husband is basically a date where you’ll have certainty of the outcome. Don’t get stuck in the idea that good sex has to be spontaneous, if you plan your date with your husband well, you could end up having an amazing night. So it wouldn’t matter if you planned it ahead right?
Pros and cons of scheduling sex
Some couples have stated that scheduling sex has saved their marriage. Every couple has different issues but maybe by reading the pros and cons of scheduling sex can give you some light. First, let’s look at the pros.
1. Scheduling gives sex a priority
Your busy life works against sex, it doubles if you have kids. You’ll consider having sex with your husband if the kids go to bed at a reasonable time if the dishes are done if the house is in order, if you finished work… and the list can go on. And that’s just you, your husband has his own list.
Scheduling sex can make it a priority because you know that “Every Thursday and Sunday we’re having sex” (pick your day). You know that it will happen, you’ll be connecting with your husband and that’s important in a marriage.
2. It lets you get your head in the game
If your head is in the game then your body will follow. Scheduling sex lets you be prepared and in the mood. If you know with certainty that tonight you’re going to have some sexy fun, your head can build up to it. You can build expectation and flirt with your husband during the day so that come night you won’t have to ask yourself “Do I want to?” because you’ll be totally “in the mood”.
Scheduling sex can also have some cons
1. It could become an obligation
It could happen that come sexy night, you really don’t feel like it but you’ll do it anyway because you have committed to it, you’ll feel guilty if you don’t have sex and then you’ll end up resenting the experience and even your husband.
Scheduling sex will work against you and your relationship if you schedule it just so he won’t bug you on any other day, you may have other issues you need to address first.
2. It may take spontaneity out of the picture
It may be that scheduling sex could limit those rare times when you two get in bed and after some talking and snuggling things start to happen and you end up having spontaneous sex.
Again, scheduling sex can be a con if you don’t let those moments flow. It’s great that you’re having sex on Thursdays and Sundays, as planned, but if on a Tuesday, you get in bed (after all the chores for the day are done) and you’re both feeling frisky, then don’t limit yourselves and do it!
Some final thoughts
If you decide to try scheduling your sexy fun nights with your husband, then commit wholeheartedly to it. Make those night or that time the best of it. Plan fun and sexy things to do, flirt with your husband, put some effort into it as you do in other areas of your life.
You always have the option of rescheduling your sex time. There are some things in life that we can’t control, so if for some any other reason you can’t make it on the scheduled night, then agree upon another day and time.
There are a number of reasons why couples schedule sex, but the number one reason is that, with all the other things happening in their lives, sex is delegated to the back of the burner so they need to schedule it to make it a priority as all the other things marked in their calendars.